smoking out the car window

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

now in class
listening to daryl's grade 8 pieces
they're ok la.
but an over dose can be deadly.
sighh.

was pms-ey today
still am actually..
i actually rubbed off the pineapple- veeoneone family caricature of everyone in the class
painstakingly drew and some asshole vandalised
sooo.. i did what i said i'd do.
feels good man.

and...
stoopid childish guys in my class
flicking the damn cards
...
shall not say what i think here
..

everyone's having electives now..
except philo students..
who have it on fri cos the teachers have some course.

arrgghhhh.
eat into my fridae.
the day when classes end at 1240.
sighh

got training later.
MUST go.
if not she fong will screw me.
totally.
because she caught me the other time
the first ever time i ponned training.
cos audrey pangsehed me.
sighh
an unsuccesful attempt.

so now.. i'm kinda afraid to see her cos she's SCARY
scary.
like.. today she was like REGARDLESS arh??
yaya..

and think she most prob was suaning me in her sms..
she's scary. scary scary

hope i don't die in trng later.
had napfa todae.
sadness.
i deproved by a min.
juts thank god didn't cramp.
sometimes my calfs will cramp at wrong time
sighhhhh.

missing some ppl now...
but i guess it was inevitable.
what was i thinking?
should have treasured the time more maybe.
but what's the use of regretting?
and what's the use of missing someone?
it's just a stupid human emotion we have to feel.
stupid stupid stupid.
actually, i don't think i'm supposed to feel like this.
quite impossible la..
it's not as if..
we exist in a vacuum.
i wish we did.
but that is selfish.
and that is running away.
again.

i'm an escapist.
and that's bad.
because you don't know whether you've dealt with your problems already.
you think you have
you think you're strong
but actually you're not.
you're just lying to yourself.
and in the end you'll be just living a lie.

i guess i am an idealist.
it's not being optimistic or whatever.
it's just running away from life's problems
putting them in a jar under your bed.
then they resurface
and you find youreslf..
hmm..
do you ever find yourself?

went for altar call in church on sat..
inner healing.
it will supposedly carry on for a couple more weeks
at first i didn't wanna go up..
but just felt God prompting me
saying this is the time. this is the time.
i guess i was trying to run away then too.

well..prayer was... ok..
the hugging was nice! : )
but there are some issues about sharing with adults in the church.
my grandparents and parents were quite "well-known" in church..
like..grandparents were pastors and all.
but that doesn't make me or my family very holy or whatever.
i know we are supposed to be holy..
cos we are made in the image of christ.
but i struggle to do QT every night, i forget to pray
sigh.
problems suck.
who wants to have problems?

just hope it'll be better.

in this world that makes no sense.
everything is falling apart.

supernovva +
2:50 PM